Putting "We-ness" into Marriage

This Valentine's Day weekend brings another reminder to Anita and I that we have entered into the second half of marriage. First, the news:

Jason and Jaime are expecting a baby in September!

I choose to take the optimistic road and say this DOES NOT make us old! After all, we are already grandparents to Jack, so now we are just doubling our blessings. And, we still have one son at home - a junior in high school - and a daughter who is a senior in college.

With all that said, our marriage relationship is changing. Yes, we will be doting grandparents; yes, we will still be involved in our two older sons and daughter-in-law's lives; yes, we have college events for our daughter and high school stuff for our son. But slowly, surely, we are discovering that we are moving into a season that is more partner focused than child focused.

Just what will that mean? Maybe some of the following:

• Maximizing individual strengths for the benefit of both of us
• Finding time to be companions
• Understanding that compatibility doesn't always mean agreement
• Continually adjusting to each other
• Striving to be partner focused
• Share rather than divide
• Make creative use of conflict
• Work hard at communicating
• Commitment to continued growth

So here it is Valentine's Day Eve (I just created another holiday) and I am so thankful that I have the blessing of being married to Anita and sharing it with her. I am grateful for our first half of marriage and celebrations, but I'm excited about our second half!

The Greatest Gift You Can Give

By the numbers, Valentine's Day is a commercial gold mine:

• 180 million cards will be exchanged, with 50% of those purchased in the last six days
• 23.8 pounds - per capita consumption of candy by Americans in 2008
• 187 million roses were produced for Valentines Day in 2009

It is what it is, but to just focus on the tangible "gifts" of love is missing the point:

God is the love you are looking for

This is the central point in one chapter of authors John and Stasi Eldredge's latest book "Love & War." Subtitled "Finding the marriage you've dreamed of", it is a very personal and open journey of twenty-five years of marriage.

The book is an ongoing narrative with each of the authors contributing their feelings and thoughts as they reflect on their journey together. Surprisingly candid, often funny, but always instructive, the Eldredges chart out a path that readers can apply to their marriages.

Central to the book is the admonition that marriage is not a bed of roses; it is a struggle of two individuals who have to submit to each other and fight together for what God has called them into. And for me, that's the greatest lesson of this book, referred to in the quote above and illustrated further with these words from John and Stasi:

We live in a love story. We are created for romance and we have an insatiable capacity for it. God gave us such a heart; it was one of his first gifts to us. Our love story starts with God.

If you are looking for a gift for Valentine's Day, the greatest gift you can give to your marriage is a real relationship with Jesus Christ. This is the kindest thing you could ever do for the people in your life - to have somewhere you can turn, someone who loves you and understands. More words from John and Stasi:

...you must understand you are not a well and your spouse is not a well. You are both leaky buckets in search of a well.

God's love is that well. Turn to it often, and drink deeply for a marriage that will honor God's gift to each of you.

"Love & War" is a powerful, personal, and profound journey of two individuals who love God deeply, and therefore love each other deeply. Their story and journey provide an excellent road map for any couple wanting to grow together toward God and each other.

This was book was provided for review by WaterBrook Multnomah.

Elevation Celebration

It was party time at Elevation Church's Matthews Campus as we celebrated our 4th anniversary and Pastor Steven Furtick's 30th birthday. Over 1,000 of our volunteer leaders packed out the house. Wade, Chris, Mack, and London led in worship. Larry served as MC, introducing video clips around the theme of 30.

Israel Houghton surprised Pastor Steven, showing up to give an mini-concert. Craig Groeschel of LifeChurch spoke powerfully, giving honor and advice to Pastor Steven. Here are a few points he spoke to honor Pastor Steven:

• Potentially the greatest voice in your generation
• The things no one sees result in what everyone wants
• Teachable
• Rock solid marriage
• Anointed and highly favored by God
• You show biblical honor to others
• Radically generous as individual
• Deep reverence to the priority of the Word of God
• Integrity to go the distance
• Audacious faith

Here is the advice Craig gave to Pastor Steven:

1. Ministry is a marathon, not a sprint
2. The foundation of Elevation Church is not yet built; we are a micro church with a macro vision
3. You are going to be misunderstood and despised
4. Do not pay attention to critics or fans
5. Live for an audience of One
6. Do not get caught up in the success of this world
7. Continue to let people tell you the truth
8. Do not limit your thinking to this city, state or nation - aim for world impact
9. Do not insult God with small dreams

As a gift to us, Pastor Steven gave out a blank mini-Moleskine with the following stamped inside:

Our Story. Elevation Church.

He challenged us to write the story along with him.

It was an experience too powerful to put into words. Truly, you had to be there. God is at work among the Elevation Nation, and we are ready to respond to His calling.

Love Needs More Than Just One Day

After 30+ years of marriage, the anticipation of Valentine's Day hasn't worn off. To be sure, like most holidays, crass commercialization can be overwhelming at times. But you can make choices to not let the marketing message overwhelm you. That's the path I'm choosing.

I think the expressions of our love need more than just one day - it's really a 24/7/365 kind of thing. I know I need all the help I can get, so I'm beginning early, and will continue long after 2/14 has passed.



For instance, I choose to take the following scripture verses as a lesson in the attributes I need to be practicing daily in my marriage:

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:12-14

As this art by Daniel Erlander shows, love binds the other attributes together in all of our life, not just Valentine's Day.

Still, this February 14 would be a good place to start practicing these actions on a daily basis!

Here's an early Happy Valentine's day message to Anita:

I renew my commitment to you and to growing together in the second half of our marriage. I will ask forgiveness and be forgiving. I will let compassion and kindness flow from my life into yours. I ask your patience with me (sometimes daily)! Together we can keep dreaming about what can be, and be willing to let go of missed dreams. As great as the first half of marriage has been, I pledge to be a loving and close companion so that our second half well be even better.

I love you!

Organizational Physics

A team at rest tends to stay at rest.

Seth Godin, writing in "Linchpin", states that forward motion isn't the default state of any group of people, particularly groups with lots of people. Cynics and politics and coordination kick in and everything grinds to a halt.

In an old school, top-down factory model this isn't really a problem. The owner controls the boss who controls the foreman who controls the worker. It's a tightly linked chain, and things get done because there is cash to be made.

Most modern organizations are now far more fluid than this. Responsibility isn't as clear, deliverables aren't as measurable, and goals aren't as cut and dried. So things slow down.

Sound familiar? Like maybe your church?

Enter the linchpin. Understanding that your job is to make something happen changes what you do all day. If you can only cajole, not force, if you can only lead, not push, then you make different choices.

In many organizations, but especially the church, you can't say, "Get more excited and insightful or you're fired." No, the men and women who go beyond their job description (if any at all) to do the unexpected and out-of-the-ordinary do it because they were inspired to do so by a leader who isn't even around when the team is at work.

Are you that kind of leader?

American Reset

Yesterday's post was a brief introduction to Dr. Frank Luntz's latest book: "What Americans Really Want...Really." It is a fascinating journey into the minds of our neighbors, bosses, employees, politicians, and friends - a snapshot of what is going on in the American psyche.

The research, stories, and findings provide a wealth of knowledge that any leader in any organization ought to know - and put into practice. Based on his research, Luntz closes the book with a list of nine priorities of what America really needs.

1. Resetting our expectations about life, opportunity, and the American dream - most Americans aren't asking for "everything I can get." All they are asking for is the "opportunity to succeed" and "the good life" if and when they get there. Rather than fixating on what we want, we need to appreciate everything that we have.



2. Renewing our celebration of the American family - the American family is broken. Not entirely shattered, but certainly broken. Americans realize the importance of the family even as they struggle to protect it. The essential familial ingredients of time and attention are increasingly rare.



3. Reestablishing the respect for religion in America - From the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock in 1620 to the writings of the Founding Fathers in Philadelphia 150 years later, the early American experiment with democracy and opportunity has its origins deeply rooted in religion. In recent years, America is trending toward a new and more troubling experiment. We may soon find out what happens when we unlink our freedoms from our faith.



4. Rebuilding the mutual commitment between employer and employee - too many Americans are unhappy in their current jobs. Considering we spend more time at work than we do at anything other than sleeping, this is particularly troubling. Workers need a few more dollars, but even more important, more satisfaction, more fulfillment, and more excitement from their jobs.



5. Reinstilling accountability in American government - what American people need from government is elected officials who say what the mean and mean what they say. We will continue to lower our expectations about how much government can do while raising expectations about how well government delivers on what it promises.



6. Restoring personal responsibility and empowering creativity among America's youth - what America's younger generation needs is both a firm hand and a gentle guide to channel their creativity and raise them from near economic ruin. Generation 2020 (Luntz's term for those born 1980-1991) can and should be the most successful, dynamic, and diversely talented cohort in American history.



7. Respecting the accomplishments, experience, and continuing resources of America's seniors - it is by their labor that the foundations for our success were laid. It is their dreams that we must remember to embrace, live out, and enjoy. There is no longer a clear line between "retired" and "unretired." Businesses, schools, community groups, and churches can all benefit from the vast resources American seniors have at their disposal.



8. Investing time and commitment into mentorship - young people need the foundation of a supportive family to survive and thrive, but many also need the capstone of an accomplished mentor to strive and achieve. America's greatest need for mentorship is in the communities where broken schools and broken families are breaking the dreams of America's youth.



9. Remembering to have some fun along the way - we have too many challenges, too many problems, and too many worries to give up on life and forget to have fun. You can't make it a better tomorrow if you don't take the time to enjoy life today.

"What Americans Really Want...Really" is powerful and sobering glimpse into what we collectively are thinking, hoping, dreaming - and fearing. If your passion is about people, then this book really ought to be your next reading assignment.

We all share a continuing responsibility to better understand one another. Understanding is an essential underpinning for our community. The more we have of it, the better - especially when our public institutions are wavering.

Knowledge is Wealth

You've heard the phrase "time is money?" Maybe it's time for a stronger principle to replace it: Knowledge is wealth.

Let's say you are the owner of a business, the head of a marketing department, someone who sells things to customers - or a leader in a church.

Wouldn't you like to know what people are thinking?

Frank Luntz has conducted thousands of hours of research to discover the answer to that question, and his latest book "What Americans Really Want...Really" is a fascinating journey into the mind and actions of people in America.

It's a book about understanding priorities, not trivialities or frivolities. It's about the contradictions, large and small, between what we want and what we really need.

Luntz discovers what we are thinking in diverse areas from corporate policy to what we eat to our religious views - and everything in between. His major conclusion? We are a nation of well-meaning hypocrites:

• We want smaller, less intrusive government, yet we want more oversight of the economy and oppose specific budget cuts.


• We want taxes lowered, but we won't accept a decline in the quantity and quality of services and we aren't eager to pay for stuff ourselves.


• We say we eat healthy, but just look at what we actually consume.


• We say we care about the environment, but we won't give up our pickups or SUVs.

If you're looking for a real discussion of our public hopes and private fears, wants, and needs, you've come to the right place.

Tomorrow: Luntz's nine priorities on what America really needs.